The Battle of Good and Evil = Potato

I’m not a dirty effing snob, but I can be. When it comes to my creamed onions, I only use fresh pearl onions (and yes I sit bawling over them for a half hour trying to peel the feckers, but they’re worth it), but when it comes to Green Bean Casserole, I’m all about the canned.

So, tell me – is it wrong to find Potato Buds to be an acceptable short order manner to get your proper daily Irish intake of starches? Seriously, they’re just dehydrated potatoes. You add some water, some butter, some milk – isn’t that the same thing you do with the live, straight out of the dirt version, except with those you have to boil them for a half an hour to get them to a ‘mashable’ state. I don’t know, I can’t help but feel a little odd mixing up dehydrated foods in order to top my Shepherd’s pie this evening. (Still tasted fantastic! Add some Worcestershire Sauce, then drain the meat and make a gravy with the juice, pour it over the meat before adding the peas – fucking win!)

I suppose I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I mean, if they were good enough for Bono when he was a lad, who am I to balk at their nourishment?

Discovery Bean Casserole

Did you know that Green Bean Casserole, the staple of 1950′s housewives the nation over, is an entirely pantry possible dish?

I didn’t quite realize it myself, given the snotty anti-canned food rearing I experienced in my mother’s home. Yet, as I grew older, and continued to scoff at the canned vegetables aisle, I became an avid fan of the Green Beans served at Tiny’s Diner in Ayer, Massachusetts.

Damn, I love their green beans, I said one day while dining with my mother. I wonder how they cook them.

They’re just canned, kiddo.

Her words literally blew my effing mind. Had I been lied to my whole life? Were canned green beans better than fresh in my strange, but picky land of palette? To discover the answer to this conundrum I bought a few canned green beans and proceeded to unleash Green Bean Casserole upon the household.

It was delicious.

Yet, here we have further discovery – after cooking up a batch of Sloppy Joe Turkey Meatloaf (recipe to follow) I thought it might be homey and rustic of me to produce an equally old-fashioned side dish. Yet, when ravishing the pantry for the Cream of Mushroom soup I need to concoct this staple of homey cuisine, I found the well had run dry. “We only have Cream of Chicken! Why God!?” I panicked momentarily only to hear my brother say, “Use the Cream of Chicken. Sounds good to me.”

Oh, it doesn’t just sound good, ladies and gentlemen. It was a revelation. Green Bean Casserole with a low fat Cream of Chicken Soup instead of Mushroom made the sun shine just a little brighter. A chorus of angels sang from within my oven when I retrieved it with a mitted hand.

Think me insane? Try it yourself.

2 cans of CANNED Green Beans

1 can cream of chicken

3/4 cup lowfat milk

1 1/3 cup of French’s French Fried Onions

Directions: Combine soup and milk in a 9X9 casserole dish, until fully mixed. Then add the two cans of green beans (drained first, please) and half the onions. Mix until everything is covered in the soupy goo. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes, retrieve from oven and add rest of onions to the top in a fancy design or abstract sculpture of your choice and return to oven for another 5 minutes.

This dish cooks perfectly in unison alongside a meatloaf.

Eat it and weep.

Post A Week 2011 – Maybe?

I’m here to tell you this whole challenge acceptance blog post is just asking to be made of fail, yet still, I produce and post it. Huzzah!

This is Fruit Porn

Love/Hate Relationships At Their Best

In celebration of Valentine’s Day, I share with you delicious goo!

VALENTINE’S HATE SMOOTHIE!

Thick, creamy, fruity, fiberful (because I added an exorbitant amount of Benefiber to the blender mid whir), delicious goo! I take hearty sips and spend a moment pantomime chewing my healthy cocktail, then I notice.

Oh yes, I notice.

Oh, I don’t just notice, I dread, shiver, and frown at the true juxtaposition that is delicious goo Smoothie.

Strawberry seeds. Dirty slut mongering Strawberry seeds all up in my molars like a nosy step mother rifling through my sock drawers. Obnoxious, hateful, demon spawn pellets of mythical Valkyric pestilence.

But god damn, this is still a tasty smoothie.

Ingredients:

2 cp frozen strawberries

2 LARGE Banana

1 cup milk

Blender Magic!

Delicious goo!

Recipe – Ham and Orzo Salad

As promised, I bring you the expanse of my culinary know how, one small note card at a time.

Ham and Orzo Salad

1 packaged ham steak

1 cp. Orzo (whole wheat orzo is preferred)

4 Tb. Light Ranch Salad Dressing

1/4 cp. Light Sour Cream

1 pckge frozen mixed veggies (Steamfresh brand size)

1 generous pinch of salt for boiling water

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Slap the Ham Steak on a rimmed baking sheet or in a baking pan, cook for 10 minutes or until hot all the way through. Bring full pot of salted water to a boil. Add Orzo to water, cook for 8 – 10 minutes, depending on level of al dente you prefer. (If you like crunchy pasta, we’re in a fight.) Pop Steamfresh veggies in the microwave, cook for 5 minutes.

If timed appropriately, all should be ready about the same time.

Strain Orzo, chop up hamsteak into cubes trimming away all excess fat and gristle. (Well, pseudo cubes, it doesn’t need to be perfect, ladies and gentlemen.) Dump all ingredients into same bowl: Orzo, cubed ham and full bag of veggies. Now, add your sour cream and ranch dressing to the mix, stir until thoroughly combined, devour. It’s like chinese food, yummy while hot, but equally stellar while cold.

Number of Servings: 8

(Number of Points each serving is worth in Weight Watchers speak: 3 – 4 pts.)

So get at it people! This salad ain’t gonna make itself.

Welcome to The Grand Illusion

We’re kicking this off with an angry boot.

I understand that working all day and coming home to an hour or two of prep and cooking sounds like a fiberglass sliver in your thumb, but this post is to cut one of the major complaints right out so the whole lot of you will stop whining about how much of a pain in the butt it is to cook at home. It is better for you, it costs less, and you get to spend time with your loved ones without the interruption of some overzealous waiter who is desperate to know just how much you’re enjoying the food that is in your mouth RIGHT NOW.

Here is my challenge to you:

Cook and Eat at home for 1 work week.

Now, I understand lunch is an impossibility, but dinner and breakfast are raring to go and desperate for your attention. So, how are we going to manage this, you ask?

We’re going to do the shopping and prepping on the weekend.

Quit whining. You will thank me later.

Shopping List:

2 bags Frozen veggies (ie corn, peas, broccoli, green beans. Whatever you and the kids like, but a HUGE bag of at least two. Green Giant Cheese Broccoli DOES count.)

2-3 Green Bell Peppers

1 pkge Pre-bagged Yellow/White Onions

2-3 packages Protein choices (this means, poultry, fish, beef, pork, tofu if you’re crazy. Pre-Roasted Rotisserie Chicken counts and will cut down cook time astronomically one night or more.)

1 Slow Churned Edy’s Ice Cream (flavor your choice)

1 pkge Zip Loc Bags, large size

1 pkge Zip Loc Steam Bags

Olive Oil or Pam

1 pkge All Whites (saves an unbelievable amount of time. if you’re a purist, get eggs, and be prepared to crack em)

1 pkge Heart Healthy Bisquick (or flour, sugar, salt, baking soda/powder, milk, and eggs if you’re a purist)

2-3 Varieties of MARINADES! (Adolphs for steak, Lemon Pepper, Mesquite, BBQ, Fajita, Sweet and Sour, etc. It’s your choice.)

2-3 cans of reduced sodium condensed soup (Cream of Mushroom/Celery/Chicken. Mushroom is my fav)

1 bag No Yolk Egg noodles

1 bag RED potatoes

1 pkge Whole Grain Tortillas

1 pkge Shredded Mexican Cheese, made with 2% milk

1 pkge Light Sour Cream

1 pkge Light Whipped Butter

2% milk

1 bottle maple syrup

2 choice of cereals

Spices

-Paprika

-Mrs. Dash , Meat rubs, Garlic/onion salt, etc (your choice)

-Cinnamon

All right, this list will keep you FED for a week, possibly into the weekend and further, given leftovers and the like.

Now, when you get home, it’s prep time.

Portion out and cut ALL meats to prefered size for each meal into separate Zip Loc Bags. Add choice of Marinade to 2 of the bags. (Toss in fridge)

Chop Peppers and Onions and combine into another Zip Loc Bag. (Toss in freezer)

Chop up Red Potatoes into quarters and bag em. (Toss in fridge)

Then, make an ape ton of pancakes for dinner. Toss intentional extras in Zip Loc Bag. (Toss in Fridge. This one’s optional, but highly suggested.)

Everything else, put away as per usual.

(any extra meats beyond weeks needs, toss in freezer after separated.)

Now, you’re ready.

Why did I do all of this crap, you ask?

Oh, I’ll tell you, whiner.

FIRST OF ALL, those pancakes will last for over a week. Take two out, pop in toaster for 3-4 minutes; home cooked breakfast before school anyday of the week. Then, the main event.

1) Pour needed servings of potatoes into Steam Bag, do same with choice of veggies in a different Steam Bag. Add a sprinkle of salt/pepper, and a table spoon of butter to each (a Tablespoon of water and choice of seasoning optional with potatoes). Toss potatoes into microwave for 7-8 minutes. (could add the veggies after two minutes. Veggies take 5 minutes, when alone. Here you have an opportunity to involve the kids, let them do this one. ATTENTION: They put the bags in microwave and set timer, YOU take them out.)

2) Heat Olive Oil/Pam in frying pan on medium, toss in Frozen onions/peppers. Let them sizzle and soften a few minutes, stirring off and on.

3) Take out a meat that has been marinating. Toss into pan. (This method best for Pork Chops, Fish, Chicken, Turkey, and the like. For most of these meats you need to cook for 8 plus minutes or until all signs of pink are gone inside. Fish can take less time. This could be done with ground beef, but I suggest grilling all steaks, but I’m a kitchen nazi and Grilling is another post all together.)

Now, you have a three course meal on your table within 20 freakin minutes and you barely had to do a damn thing!

(Added tidbits for you to consider: All aforementioned ingredients are healthy/good for you. GASP! And I just gave you an opportunity for quality time with the wee one. A child who helps make a meal is ten times more likely to actually eat it. Shazam!)

Still complaining?

Then there is no hope for you.

Check back for recipes that utilize the items listed above.